by Gwen Thomas (a real college student)
graphic by Savannah Tate

Whether you’ve been there, are there, are going there, aren’t going there, or don’t care, here are nine college facts people tend to neglect to say.

  1. That one quiet kid across the hall is actually plotting to kill you. Maybe bring Jeff an extra cookie from the dining hall next time you’re out and spare yourself, eh?
  2. You don’t need to buy textbooks, because you’re not really going to read them. Instead spend your money on something you will use, like booze! Winter boots? Nah. You know what will keep you warm? Booze!
  3. CVS suddenly becomes your Wal-Mart, your Nordstrom, your Game Stop, and your SuperCuts. They will charge you three hundred dollars for toothpaste and you, still drunk from last night, will buy it.
  4. Those people who send their laundry out are responsible for the world’s famine and…

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